Again..

Dats it. Malam nih tahap kesabaran aku tercabar lagi. Correct me if I’m wrong, I don’t think its necessary esp for those yg baru separate tu ‘spend time’ together. Yelah, e.g, duduk beborak ke, pegi lunch sesama ke or etc. Tell me, kenapa? untuk apa? Y’know wut, I juz don’t get it. Dunno la kalau mender nih normal sbb aku sendiri pun tak penah ada experience dgn ex nih, since diz is my first time. Wait, ok its not the first time aku broke off dgn sumone. First my ex-bf. Tp, so far dia tak penah lah cakap nak spend time together ke haper.

Ok, in second thought, maybe its normal to meet ur ex and have a lil chat or share ur problems ke haper (since she/he penah rapat dgn kita dulu). Tapi, bukan ke proses nak berbaik sebagai kawan tu ambik masa? C’mon la, I’m still hurt ok. Of coz la dia tak rasa apa yg aku rasa sebelum nih. Its not 'him' yg kena dumped pun.. *duh*

Dan jgn lah ingat bila aku dah start tersenyum balik tu, aku dah cukup kuat utk terima semua nih.. yes, I can forgive but yet not to forget. Thanks to all of my friends yg byk bagi support dan sentiasa ada sebelah aku bila aku bebtul perlukan diaorg. They helped me a lot and they’re all I have now. So, jangan lah salahkan aku kalau aku lebih pentingkan kawan dari dia.

…ok enuff, cut!..

Dah lama tak ckp pasal keje kan? Kalau dulu, bila setiap entry aku berkait ttg keje, akan ada komplen dari ‘sumbody’ yg akan cakap aku nih giler keje. Things changed – not anymore. Sekarang, aku nak giler keje ke.. haper ke, ikut sukati aku lah.

Well, nuthin much bout work pun. AGM on 7th then, relax. Tp, utk seminggu dua nih, masak jugak lah. End of Dec, Loo resign. Sementara nak recruit accountant baru, aku lah yg jadi mangsa. Tak pepasal kena belajar UBS. Apa pun tak kisahlah, utk sementara je. At least, sampai satu tahap nnt, I’m capable of doing a-lot-of-thing.. okeh jugak tu.. *relax aD, sabau*

Siang tadi, rite afta lunch, aku dah inform TS yg aku nak amik leave on 16 (friday) to 19 (monday) Dec – Am goin for holiday in Kedah & Penang (kut?). Guess diz wud be my first trip for cuti-cuti Me’sia yg aku plan arituh.. *great isn’t it?*… Why Kedah again? Well, maybe sbb ada unfinished business kat sana – let say, I’m searching for sumone from the past.. *lol*… Wuts with Penang then? Maybe bcoz of the beaches. The best part is, I’m not goin alone.. *grin*

Okeh lah, nak makan jap, pastu nak tido. Lupa pulak yg aku lum dinner lagi. Apa ek nak dimakan? Nak masak, dah tengah malam.. lgpun, bukannya ada apa dlm fridge. Semua dah clear (nak pindah punya pasal).. hmm, guess I’ll have a bttl of livita & choc bar je lah.. bujang katakan.. *smiles big*… Okehlah nak soru dulu, then.. zZzz

Unexpected

Lambat hari ni (again?).. Tp kali ni tak disengajakan. Mlm tadi, for the first time dlm tempoh sebulan, dia tidur kat rumah. We didn’t talk much. Maybe sbb sama² tahu, everytime we tried to start a conversation, it’ll turn to sumthing bad or even worst – gaduh tak sudah. The gud thing is, shes there to help me pack our stuff. I really need dat. Guess, incident dkt steben aritu helps a lot. I’m pretty much stronger now.. coz I know, im standing in the rite path (wut a relief)

Masa tengah mandi pagi tadi, owner rumah tu dtg. Unexpected kan?. Dalam keadaan rambut yg bersyampoo, aku keluar juga. Dia? tidur kut – bilik berkunci.. *tak bother pun*.. Borak² sekejap je. Aku yg nak pindah, tuan rumah tu lak sedih.. *lol*.. Wife dia nmpk berminat dgn pepokok bunga yg aku tanam depan rumah. Taim diaorg nak balik, aku offer akak tu amik je memana pokok bunga yg dia berkenan. Then, masa nak keluar rumah tadi, aku tengok hampir semua pasu bunga kat depan rumah dah takde.. juz tinggal satu pasu besar pokok yg menjalar je.. ish ish, abis sumer dia amik? Tergelak jugak lah dibuatnya.. tp bila difikirkan balik, aku sedih sebenarnya. Aku yg tanam pepokok tu. Dari bertunas, sampailah besar. Hehari aku duk belai, siram, baja, etc. Bukan amik masa sehari dua ok.. bertahun tu.. *sob sob*.. Tapi taperlah, at least aku tau pepokok tu dapat tuan yg baik cam aku jugak.. *perasan*

Hmm, got a werk to do lah.. later.

Pretending

A sweet conversation thru d phone juz now:

Aku: Hello.. Hi.. *smiles*
Teddy: Hi.. hello..
Aku: Bz?
Teddy: Um, no. Not exactly.. Who’s diz?.. *wondering*
Aku: Its me, aD.. *smiles big*
Teddy: Oh, hi aD.. u sounds soOo cheerful!..
Aku: Well, I made it up.. *laughs out loud*

….. bla bla bla….

Pelik kan? Dats d fact.. kadang² mood kita memainkan peranan dlm perbualan or perjumpaan etc, etc.

Well its works. Even I wuz like pretending and hide all d feelings I have inside. Apa pun, frankly lah kan, aku suka tgk org berbual dgn aku tu hepi.. ;)

Bz

5.05 am, aku dah bangun. A bit tense jugak.. esp bila teringat apa yg jadi mlm td. Masa nak keluar rumah, aku cuba sebaik mungkin utk put aside memender yg memeningkan nih. Tarik nafas panjang², senyum semanis mungkin then langkah pegi keje dgn konpiden. Terserempak dgn dua tiga org jiran sebelah rumah. Biasanya memasing mmg tak pernah berckp. Tp hari nih, rajin pula memakcik nih bersembang dgn aku. Is it becoz of d smile? *I shud do dat more often then* – Nice.

6.45 pagi – Am aready at SLGCC. Ada friendly golf tournament dgn South Wales Univ Alumni. Lepas settle everything and hv a few words dgn golf mgr, aku gerak balik. Almost 11.00 am baru sampai opis.

Almost lunch hour.. gotta go. Ada invitation for Majlis Mesra Aidilfitri TNB at Ampang. Lets go!

@#%$

Da*n!! Aku mmg tak patut jumpa dia.

For God sake, naper lah ko bodoh sangat aD!?

Ingatkan dia betul² nak berdamai.. as 'he' said pagi tadi, there will be no more fight. Katanya lagi, dia mengaku kesilapan dia dan dia juga dah boleh terima kenyataan yang kami kini sekadar kawan – tak lebih.

Tapi wuts d heck is 'hes' doing, juz now?!!! Selongkar beg aku, buka notebook and baca blog aku. Lepas tu tak pasal² lepaskan geram dekat aku. MaNn!! Dah dua kali dia buat mcm ni.

Hey, mana hak privacy aku?! C’mon lah, face d fact dat we’re thru!

***********

Its 10.30 pm. Trying so hard making myself comfortable in front of d tv - but it didnt seem to work pun. Capai hp, tried to call sumone dat I think I can count on... well, theres no answer - so sad *sighs*

A lil advise for myself : Relax aD, get use to it. Jgn terlalu bergantung pd org lain. Fix ur own probs. Be brave.. stop thinking & do something for ur life. Focus!!

*sighs*

Shud I laugh at myself?.. haha.. poor me. Felt like
a total jerk now.. am I? oh yess.. dats wut u are - pathetic'

he' called diz morning. 'he' wanted to see me.. and discuss bout few stuff. Aku refused mulanya. Tapi bila tolak campur darab bahagi sumer, aku ok kan je. Dats it, we promised to meet up diz evening. Harap segalanya berjalan dgn baik - berpisah cara baik - no more gaduh.

Been listening to diz song

Eamon – Fuck It

See, I dont know why I liked you so much

I gave you all, of my trust

I told you, I loved you, now thats all down the drain

Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know how I feel

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now

Fuck the presents might as well throw em out

Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack

Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

You thought, you could

Keep this shit from me, yeah

Ya burnt bitch, I heard the story

Ya played me, ya even gave her head

Now ya askin for me back

Ya just another act, look elsewhere

Cuz ya done with me

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now
Fuck the presents might as well throw em out
Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack
Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Ya questioned, did I care

You could ask anyone, I even said Ya were my great one

Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad

It hurts real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a hoe

Fuck what I said it dont mean shit now

Fuck the presents might as well throw em out

Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack

Fuck you, you hoe, I dont want you back

Dull

Surprise.. balik pagi ni, rumah aku dlm keadaan bersepah giler. Few things takde - tak bother pun, bukan barang aku. She took few of her stuff (dat wuz ok), BUT naper nak sepahkan bebarang aku kan? Habis semua baju dlm lemari dicampak keluar. Even paperwork aku pun berterabur sana sini *sighs*

***************

Checked hp, ada 29 miscalls dari dia. sms pula tak terkira banyaknya. Cuma diz time, msg dia tak berbaur marah lagi.. ada bunyi mcm sedih sikit.. cemburu.. depressed. Aku tumpang sedih, aku faham apa yg dia rasa, malah aku lebih lagi.. tapi apa boleh aku buat..

Terima dia kembali? Yes, I can.. but as a friend. I bet we can be a very gud friend thou. Other than dat, lets time decide..

Jemputan

Received personal invitation fr one of d co. nih for open hse (opis?) raya gituh. Tataw lg sama ada nk pergi atau tak. Kalau aku join, for sure aku sorang je pompuan dari sini. Kalau tak pergi kang.. nampak sangat lah ketidakhadiran aku nanti.. ye lah, obvious sgt.. hm, camno?


p/s: Faiez, did u get d same invitation for diz 24th? Lemme know if you do ok. Desperately nak cari member teman nih *lol*