i know we are just unable to talk about this at the moment, i don’t know if it’s just the stress we are both under, i don’t know if it’s the feelings of guilt and rejection we feel, i don’t know why, i know it’s not the way i want it, but there are things i want to say to u, and i want to get them all out the way they need to b said without this turning into another pointless disagreement.
i really don’t know what happened between us, i can only guess at various things, maybe we didn’t talk enough, maybe we spent to much time together, maybe we both hid our feelings when we were hurt or annoyed, maybe we are both controlling. i can’t find the answer, i can package it in to one of many little jars, but none seem to fit quite right, so all i can really do is bring it down to the very basic, we just didn’t communicate well.
like u said, if only we spoke more about how we were feeling then maybe it would have been different, maybe we would be together in a better way, or maybe we would have realized months ago it wasn’t meant to be. what i do know is that it is both of our faults, we both fucked up and we both did things the wrong way.
it makes me sad that you say when you look back on our relationship that all you can see is that u were unable to make me happy. that you never satisfied me; to be honest i think u are looking back thru polarized glasses, n that u are choosing to only see the bad, and forgetting all about the happy times we have shared, i hope that one day u will be able to look back n remember with fondness the times we spent together. i will never forget the joy and happiness we had together, and i only wish u felt the same.
aD, u have come into my life at a time when i needed u the most. we talked about so many things that i started to realize my heart and my soul could actually feel something other than hurt. u placed comfort where there was fear, confidence where there was doubt, a shoulder where tears could fall and completeness where there was emptiness.
i wanted to be the one who would be there when u needed to talk. i wanted to be the comfort for ur soul when the world was too much to handle. i wanted to be strong for u when everything else seemed impossible. then, i realize that i wanted to love u in only the way u deserved to be loved, never realizing that I was destroying myself and you. i should have known that these is things that i cant really promise u. i should have seen this coming n not to compare myself with your previous relationship, i know that i dont have much time to spend, to pampered u. n i am sorry for the times i was so self-centered and never had the time for u, sorry for those words i told u which discouraged u, sorry for the times i wasn't with you.
i guess it is true that we are rushing this. when u told me last night that u are not ready and still need time to pull yourself together, there is only one thing on my mind "just give u whatever u want". no more arguement, no more misunderstanding. if time that u need, then time will be all urs..
however, i would like to say thank you so much for this entry that u wrote. *dont have too* and as i can see, it will break your fans heart if you stop blogging. dont stop okay. i know that this has been your life for the past 4 years... till then, i hope we will found the answer that we both looking for in this future ahead. this time, we need to think twice..